There is a Japanese proverb, “Fall down seven times, Stand up eight.”
I once dated a guy, he told me, “It usually takes 4 times for an addict to get sober.”
I think of this proverb and this maybe true maybe not bit of information and I can’t help but wonder, “What is it about human nature that is so apt to fall?” Is it that we are weak in spirit? Are we just natural addicts to something in life and it’s just finding the positive to be addicted to? Are we afraid to succeed? Are we scared of the work it takes to succeed? Or is it just that we give up?
I gave up. I thought, “I haven’t been there in ages…It’s just the high school me.” I remember crying in my college apartment because my size 8 jeans didn’t fit. My boyfriend just kept telling me I was beautiful. I wouldn’t have any of that. I never embraced the size 10 that followed. I moved quickly out of those. Instead of going back to my beloved size 8 gap stretch boot leg jeans, I moved to size 12. I didn’t feel at home at size 12. So I moved to size 14, then to size 16. I kept moving till I found a more permanent residence in Size 18. I stayed there for years until I didn’t. I fought. I stood up for what I thought was the eighth time. I moved back to 16, then 14.
I fell. I didn’t cry when the 14 didn’t fit. I didn’t when the 16 didn’t fit. I just got married. I said, “After the wedding. After the wedding I will find my way down.” After the wedding it didn’t matter. I found the beauty in tunic tops and maternity pants. Almost to the day twelve months after my wedding, I welcomed my Birdie into this world. She was all that mattered. I found home in her.
I found home in the way she does a catfish grin. I found my home in the way she grabs my bottom lip at bedtime. I found my home in her adult laugh. I found my home in the way she bites her tongue. I found home in that little girl. Insulin Resistance and Obesity found home in me.
When you find home in your child, you will do anything to stay there as long as possible. So I stood up again a week and a half ago. I took a long hard look in the mirror and stood up. I stood up because Birdie and my step-daughter are examining my every move. I stood up because my husband deserves more than a quitter. I stood up because I deserve more than a daily pill to control something I could have. I stood up because I don’t like crying in my closet over clothes. I stood up. Again.
So you will look at the previous post and see, it’s been a while. It’s been a while because I fell down, but I saw me, and I stood up.